章节大纲

  • The Mythological Zoo

    By

    Oliver Herford

    New York - Charles Scribner's Sons
    1912
    Copyright, 1912, by Oliver Herford
    Published September, 1912

    To

    Elwyn Barron

    With Affectionate Regard

    Contents

      Page
    Medusa 2
    The Siren 4
    The Dolphin 6
    The Cockatrice 8
    Cerberus 10
    The Sphinx 12
    The Sea Serpent 14
    The Salamander 16
    The Jinn 18
    The Mermaid 20
    The Unicorn 22
    The Satyr 24
    The Gargoyle 26
    The Chimera 28
    The Phœnix 30
    The Gryphon 32
    The Harpy 34
    The Centaur 36
    Pegasus 38
    The Hydra 40
    The Hyppogriff 42
    The Minotaur 44

    The Mythological Zoo


    Medusa

    How did Medusa do her hair?
    The question fills me with despair.
    It must have caused her sore distress
    That head of curling snakes to dress.
    Whenever after endless toil
    She coaxed it finally to coil,
    The music of a Passing Band
    Would cause each separate hair to stand
    On end and sway and writhe and spit,—
    She couldn't "do a thing with it."
    And, being woman and aware
    Of such disaster to her hair,
    What could she do but petrify
    All whom she met, with freezing eye?

    [Pg 2]

    [Pg 3]


    The Siren

    The Siren may be said to be
    The Chorus-Lady of the Sea;
    Tho' Mermaids claim her as their kin,
    Instead of fishy tail and fin
    Two shapely feet rejoice the view
    (With all that appertains thereto).
    When to these other charms we add
    A voice that drives the hearer mad,
    Who will dispute her claim to be
    The Chorus-Lady of the Sea?

    [Pg 4]

    [Pg 5]


    The Dolphin

    The Dolphin was, if you should wish
    To call him so,—the King of Fish.
    Though having neither gills nor scales,
    His title should be Prince of Whales.
    While too small waisted to provide
    A Jonah with a Berth Inside,
    The Dolphin has been known to pack
    A Drowning Sailor on his back
    And bear him safely into port,—
    He was a Taxi-whale, in short.

    [Pg 6]

    [Pg 7]


    The Cockatrice

    If you will listen to advice
    You will avoid the Cockatrice—
    A caution I need hardly say
    Wholly superfluous to-day.
    Yet had you lived when they were rife
    Such warning might have saved your life.
    To meet the Cockatrice's eye
    Means certain death—and that is why
    When I its features here portray
    I make it look the other way.
    O Cockatrice! were you so mean
    What must the Henatrice have been!

    [Pg 8]

    [Pg 9]


    Cerberus

    Dear Reader, should you chance to go
    To Hades, do not fail to throw
    A "Sop to Cerberus" at the gate,
    His anger to propitiate.
    Don't say "Good dog!" and hope thereby
    His three fierce Heads to pacify.
    What though he try to be polite
    And wag his Tail with all his might,
    How shall one amiable Tail
    Against three angry Heads prevail?
    The Heads must win.—What puzzles me
    Is why in Hades there should be
    A Watch dog; 'tis, I should surmise,
    The last place one would burglarize.

    [Pg 10]

    [Pg 11]


    The Sphinx

    She was half Lady and half cat—
    What is so wonderful in that?
    Half of our lady friends (so say
    The other half) are Cats to-day.
    In Egypt she made quite a stir,
    They carved huge Images of her.
    Riddles she asked of all she met
    And all who answered wrong, she ate.
    When Œdipus her riddle solved
    The minx—I mean the Sphinx—dissolved
    In tears. What is there, when one thinks,
    So wonderful about the Sphinx?

    [Pg 12]

    [Pg 13]


    The Sea Serpent

    O wondrous worm that won the Height
    Of Fame by keeping out of sight!
    Never was known on Land or Sea
    Such a Colossal Modesty;
    Never such arrogant pretence
    Of Ostentatious Diffidence.
    Celebrity whom none has seen,
    Save some Post Prandial Marine,
    No magazine can reproduce
    Your Photograph.—Oh, what's the use
    Of doing things when one may be
    So Famous a Nonentity!

    [Pg 14]

    [Pg 15]


    The Salamander

    The Salamander made his bed
    Among the glowing embers red.
    A Fiery Furnace, to his mind,
    Hygiene and Luxury combined.
    He was, if I may put it so,
    A Saurian Abednigo.
    He loved to climb with nimble ease
    The branches of the Gas-log Trees
    Where oft on chilly winter nights
    He rose to dizzy Fahrenheits.
    Believers in Soul Transmigration
    See in him the Re-incarnation
    Of those Sad Plagues of summer, who
    Ask, "Is it hot enough for you?"

    [Pg 16]

    [Pg 17]


    The Jinn

    To call a Jinn the only thing
    One needed was a magic ring.
    You rubbed the ring and forth there came
    A monster born of smoke and flame,
    A thing of Vapor, Fume and Glare
    Ready to waft you anywhere.
    The magic Jinns of yesterday
    The wand of Science now obey.
    You ring, and lo! with rush and roar
    The panting monster's at the door,
    A thing of Vapor, Fume and Glare
    Ready to take you anywhere.
    What's in a name? What choice between
    The Giants, Jinn and Gasolene?

    [Pg 18]

    [Pg 19]


    The Mermaid

    Although a Fishwife in a sense,
    She does not barter Fish for Pence.
    Fisher of Men, her Golden Nets
    For foolish Sailormen she sets.
    All day she combs her hair and longs
    For Dimpled Feet and Curling-tongs.
    All night she dreams in ocean caves
    Of Low tide Shoes and Marcel Waves.
    And while the Fishwife, making sales,
    May sell her wares upon her scales,
    The Mermaid, wonderful to tell,
    Must wear her scales upon hersel'.

    [Pg 20]

    [Pg 21]


    The Unicorn

    The Unicorn 's a first-rate sort.
    He helps the Lion to support
    The royal arms of England's King
    And keep the Throne from tottering.
    I wonder what the King would do
    If his supporters all withdrew?
    Perhaps he'd try the Stage; a Throne
    Should be an easy stepping-stone
    To histrionic Heights, and who
    Knows till he tries what he can do?
    The King, with diligence and care,
    Might rise to be a Manager.

    [Pg 22]

    [Pg 23]


    The Satyr

    The Satyr lived in times remote,
    A shape half-human and half-goat,
    Who, having all Man's faults combined
    With a Goat's nature unrefined,
    Was not what you would call a bright
    Example or a shining light.
    Far be it from me to condone
    The Satyr's sins, yet I must own
    I like to think there were a few
    Young Satyrs who to Heaven flew,
    And when Saint Peter, thunder browed,
    Seeing them, cried, "No goats allowed!"
    Although the gate slammed quickly to,
    Somehow their human halves got through;
    Whereat the kindly saint relented,
    And that's how Cherubs were invented.

    [Pg 24]

    [Pg 25]


    The Gargoyle

    The Gargoyle often makes its perch
    On a cathedral or a church,
    Where, mid ecclesiastic style,
    It smiles an early-Gothic smile.
    And while the parson, dignified,
    Spouts at his weary flock inside,
    The Gargoyle, from its lofty seat,
    Spouts at the people in the street,
    And, like the parson, seems to say
    To those beneath him, "Let us spray."
    I like the Gargoyle best; it plays
    So cheerfully on rainy days,
    While parsons (no one can deny)
    Are awful dampers—when they're dry.

    [Pg 26]

    [Pg 27]


    The Chimera

    You'd think a lion or a snake
    Were quite enough one's nerves to shake;
    But in this classic beast we find
    A lion and a snake combined,
    And, just as if that weren't enough,
    A goat thrown in to make it tough.
    Let scientists the breed pooh! pooh!
    Come with me to some Social Zoo
    And hear the bearded Lion bleat
    Goat-like on patent-kidded feet,
    Whose "Civil leer and damning praise"
    The serpent's cloven tongue betrays.
    Lo! lion, goat, and snake combined!
    Thus Nature doth repeat her kind.

    [Pg 28]

    [Pg 29]


    The Phœnix

    The Phœnix was, as you might say,
    The burning question of his day:
    The more he burned, the more he grew
    Splendiferous in feathers new.
    And from his ashes rising bland,
    Did business at the same old stand.
    But though good people went about
    And talked, they could not put him out.
    A wond'rous bird—indeed, they say
    He is not quite extinct to-day.

    [Pg 30]

    [Pg 31]


    The Gryphon

    It chanced that Allah, looking round,
    When he had made his creatures, found
    Half of an Eagle and a pair
    Of extra Lion legs to spare.
    So, hating waste, he took some glue
    And made a Gryphon of the two.
    But when his handiwork he eyed,
    He frowned—and it was petrified,
    Doomed for all time to represent
    Impatience on a monument.
    Sometimes upon our path to-day
    Its living counterpart will stray—
    Columbia's Eagle strutting in
    An awf'ly English Lion's skin,
    With glass in eye and swagg'ring gait:
    Behold the Gryphon up to date.

    [Pg 32]

    [Pg 33]


    The Harpy

    They certainly contrived to raise
    Queer ladies in the olden days.
    Either the type had not been fixed,
    Or else Zoology got mixed.
    I envy not primeval man
    This female on the feathered plan.
    We only have, I'm glad to say,
    Two kinds of human bird to-day—
    Women and warriors, who still
    Wear feathers when dressed up to kill.

    [Pg 34]

    [Pg 35]


    The Centaur

    The Centaur led a double life:
    Two natures in perpetual strife
    He had, that never could agree
    On what the bill-of-fare should be;
    For when the man-half set his heart
    On taking dinner à la carte,
    The horse was sure to cast his vote
    Unswervingly for table d'OAT.
    A pretty sort of life to lead;
    The horse in time went off his feed,
    The hungry man was nigh demented,
    When one day—oatmeal was invented!

    [Pg 36]

    [Pg 37]


    Pegasus

    The ancients made no end of fuss
    About a horse named Pegasus,
    A famous flyer of his time,
    Who often soared to heights sublime,
    When backed by some poetic chap
    For the Parnassus Handicap.
    Alas for fame! The other day
    I saw an ancient "one-hoss shay"
    Stop at the Mont de Piété,
    And, lo! alighting from the same,
    A bard, whom I forbear to name.
    Noting the poor beast's rusty hide
    (The horse, I mean), methought I spied
    What once were wings. Incredulous,
    I cried, "Can this be Pegasus!"

    [Pg 38]

    [Pg 39]


    The Hydra

    The Hydra Hercules defied,
    Its nine diminished heads must hide
    Before the baneful modern beast
    Who has a thousand heads at least.
    See how in horrid tiers they rise,
    With straining ears and bulging eyes,
    While, blinded by fierce calcium rays,
    The trembling victim tribute pays
    Of song or measure, mime or jest,
    To soothe the savage Hydra's breast.
    If she please not the monster's whim,
    Wild scribes will tear her limb from limb;
    Even if charmed, he rend the air
    With hideous joy, let her beware;
    For she must surely, soon or late,
    Fall 'neath the hissing Hydra's hate.

    [Pg 40]

    [Pg 41]


    The Hyppogriff

    Biologists are prone to sniff
    At hybrids like the Hyppogriff.
    In evolution's plan, they say,
    There is no place for such as they.
    A horse with wings could not have more
    Than two legs, and this beast had four.
    Well, I for one am glad to waive
    Two of his legs, his wings to save.
    I'd even sell my auto—if
    I had one—for a Hyppogriff.

    [Pg 42]

    [Pg 43]


    The Minotaur

    No book of monsters is complete
    Without the Minotaur of Crete.
    Yet should I draw him you would quail,
    So in his place I draw a veil.
    O stars, that from Creation's birth
    Have winked at everything on earth,
    Who shine where poets fear to tread,
    Relate the story in my stead!

    *    *    *    *    *     *    *    *    *
    *    *    *    *    *     *    *    *    *

    Although it's comforting to know
    That Theseus slew him long ago,
    We need not boast, we too could do
    With—well, a Theseus or two.

    [Pg 44]

    [Pg 45]